- Then and Now
Amma remained the same from the beginning till the end. In 1954 in the month of October, Amma along with Nannagaru visited Sri Gangaraju Lokanatham, who was undergoing treatment in Guntur General Hospital. Amma left home without carrying any spare clothes or perhaps she had one old sari as a spare. Amma was waiting at the seventh mile. Reddy Subbayya came running to her and gave her a sari worth seven rupees.
Later Amma told me. “Now I am given pure silk sarees, gold ornaments, the cost of these will be in thousands. But what I feel is that the sari that Reddy Subbayya brought for me when I was leaving for Guntur, though costs only seven rupees, there is no comparison between these sarees.” That sari may be less costly but the value it had that day was something great. “I feel that sari was far superior to all these sarees.”
“I did not have this then, now I have this”- Amma never had this feeling. Amma never desired either comfort or wealth, gold ornaments or silk sarees. When we give mother silk sarees, gold anklets and a crown to wear, the recipient of joy is not Amma but all of us. We did it for ourselves.
Amma never had a separate cot or pillow in those days. There were only four pillows made out of the stuffing of the rags that you get after tailoring many clothes. They were used both by the guests as well as the members of the family. If there were four people Amma would use her hand as a pillow. There were two cots – A big one with a wooden frame and taped for Nanagaru and a small and short one with a wooden frame and taped (Navaru). Once I happened to sleep on the small cot. It was hell. You could neither stretch your legs nor fold your legs. It was like a pit.
There were two or three mats made of reed. Because people were visiting regularly Nannagaru bought four or five single bed sheets and unbleached bed sheets, at the beginning even these were not there. People would spread the mats and four or five of them would sleep across. As far as possible we never allowed Amma to sleep on the floor. When Nannagaru was away she would sleep on his cot, otherwise she would sleep on the mat. Once while she was chatting she dropped off into sleep on the hard ground spreading her sari on earth. We all used to lie down beside her. Of course my comparison is odious – we were like puppies or the kittens sleeping beside their mothers. Maybe it was not comfortable but we were happy.
Amma used to wake up very early in the morning, even before the day break, have her bath and leave the sari behind later the washer man would take it. Again in the evening at about six ‘o’ clock she would bathe. She would put her unwashed sari on the thatched wall, and we would run to get her sari. My brother-in-law Anjaneyulu and myself would fight over the sari and we would cover ourselves with that sari. It did not matter where we slept whether it was on the bare floor or a reed mat as long as we had Amma’s sari. All that was of utmost importance was to possess Amma’s sari, for a wonderful beautiful fragrance used to emanate from it. People might look at us with disgust. People might consider it disgusting. “Are they mad! What is this covering themselves with an unwashed sari of a woman!”. They might abhor us. Who cares! That is Amma’s sari and it is fragrant. –
We heard that the washer man was in a state of God consciousness whenever he washed the clothes of Sri Raghavendra Swami. This is not a relative truth pertaining to a specific time of then and now. It is the truth for all time. There is a world of difference in the physical body of our genetic mothers and ‘Universal Mother’. Amma is the embodiment of love which is as sweet as ambrosia, a god as pure as the purest of crystals.
When a mother delivers, the new born baby will be close to her, next to her very skin literally. The same mother also has another child, older to the newly born by a year or two. He also cannot be separated from the mother. What does the mother do? She places her elder child near her feet, touches him with her foot on his stomach (for the personal contact) and assures him saying “Oh sweet heart Amma is here. Do sleep.” The assurance of the touch and her voice gives him the feeling of security and he stops crying and sleeps soundly this is the kind of relationship we had with our mother. Those who came to her in the recent past are the new born ones and we were the seniors because we were born earlier. Amma is the pulsating embodiment of attachment.
There were no roads then. The stones and the thorns would hurt/sting/smart/prick the feet. During the rainy season we used to walk through waist deep water or slush. Then there was no comfort but there was immense happiness. Whatever experience Amma gave us there was only joy. Comfort is associated with body Happiness is associated with the mind Bliss is associated with soul.
This is the conclusion I have come to. Facilities have increased now. There is comfort but no joy. When I sit in Anasuya Swaralayam in front of the idol of Amma and go down the memory lane, I feel happy. But there is no bliss. I don’t think of the poverty of the past or the affluence of the presents.
- One should experience it oneself
“Each one’s experience is unique. one’s experience cannot be another’s.” I do not believe anything blindly. Only after getting the confirmation after two or three occasions do I develop faith. Then it gets established and once it is accepted and the opinion formed, under no circumstances will it change, even if I see it happening
contrary to my conviction.
I wrote one of the songs.
Your word is the blind faith,
Your support is our life-journey
In my home, in my companionship
In fun and frolic and in my very breath you are present,
You are the earth! Come set out on the journey.
Faith is blind. To search in darkness and confirm is very difficult. Such faith is like darkness. Blind faith is blindness to the utmost degree. I did not believe it unless I was sure. I am still the same. Many saints and sages come to Jillellamudi, I am told. I don’t feel like going. Not that I consider them less great, I am not bothered. They may be great people I don’t deny, but greater than whom? I don’t know. They are greater than myself because I am not like them. There are rationalists and atheists. I don’t underestimate them. That is their belief. How can I deny it? Similarly they also cannot question my faith. Even if they do, I don’t accept it. My experience is the truth for me. For example, once someone brought sweet limes. One from it was peeled and one pod was given to me and another to Hyma. Hyma said “very sweet, like honey, like sugar,” But my teeth became tart. Each one had a different experience. Hyma says it is sweet and I find it sour. When I don’t experience sweetness should I consider the sourness which made my teeth tart-as sweet!!
How can I deny her experience? Then we shared one pod, then too it tasted different for both of us. Can the taste of one fruit differ from person to person! No it is not possible. Fine – the fruit is one, the pod too is one and when the pod is made into two halves, the experience is the same, sweet for her and sour for me. That is why it is said To each his own. “What is experienced is the Truth” says Amma. Amma is viewed differently by different people as Rajarajeshwari, Bhuvaneshwari, Gayathri, Rama, a great prophet, an incarnation, an embodiment of milk of human kindness, a rationalist, an atheist, a feminist, a jewel among chaste women (Pathivratha Siromani), a social reformer etc., etc., and undoubtedly each one’s experience is unique.