Most of us, whether we had direct or indirect contact with Amma, sail in the same boat. We get transformed mentally and psychologically, totally or partially. I am not an exception to this general rule. After my second or third visit to that pious land – Jillellamudi, there was a tremendous change in my thinking and behavior. Like any other person, I was a very ordinary person and had my drawbacks and weak mentality till I was mesmerized by Amma with her touch and love; not that after Her grace had turned into a godly being, but there was a considerable change in my outlook towards life and my fellow-beings.
While writing this episode, my mind has gone back 35 years – I am as excited now as was in the Seventies. Though I was physically at Delhi, after my visit to Amma in late sixties, yet was totally at the Holy Feet of Amma mentally. The State of mind at that time was happy as well as miserable. I could not concentrate on anything all the while my mind was filled up with Amma’s face, words and compassion. I was happy that She had blessed me with Her grace by constantly being with me in thought whether I am awake or asleep. At the same time I was feeling miserable that I am not able to spend my days in Amma’s physical presence and serve Her to my heart’s content.
During those days, I used to hear Amma namam (chanting) in the boiling rice, in the water that was flowing from the tap while having bath and in the chirping of the sparrows. My office room had a good view of neem trees bordering either side of Parliament Street. While working, I used to stare with a blank mind through the window. To my inexplicable joy Amma used to give darshan sitting on the topmost branch of the neem tree flush with greenery and fresh. Smiling and waving Her hand as if assuring me that She is with me in flesh and blood and that I should concentrate on my work and be happy. At times when I used to feel terribly forlorn and sad and could not concentrate on my official work, I used to go to my colleague Mrs. Raj’s room and pour down my woes to lighten my heart. I was so sad for not being able to leave the job and permanently shift to Jillellamudi to be with Amma forever. The same thing I used to confide in Mrs. Raj. Then She used to pacify me by saying “Ushaji, your state — of mind is like that of a child who engrossed in a play with friends; is being brought indoors by the mother forcefully. Though the child is obeying the mother, yet it is mentally with the friends outside, who are still enjoying the game. Sincerely, though your parents brought you back to Delhi, your mind is with Amma, making you feel miserable”. How appropriate is the simili in my case!
As I have mentioned above all the while I was hearing the chanting in the flowing water, boiling rice, chirping of birds and in my inner self constantly there was a buzz in the ear saying Amma, Amma, Amma. With this state of mind I became terribly restless and pathetic; Several times I requested my father to allow me to go over to Amma for a while and activate my battery cells of the soul. As a parent, he had his own apprehensions, perhaps he might have thought that I may settle down there permanently; so he was postponing my trip and at times he used to be very harsh.
Thus, the days were passing away with a combination of happy and unhappy events; To my solace and consolation, several visions that Amma granted me were tonic to my body and soul. A couple of them, which are fresh and green in my memory, are here. On a summer evening, after coming back from the office. I was sitting on the Lawn. With half closed eyes, mentally I was away at Amma’s Lotus Feet. What did I see in that semi-conscious state? There was a very big dais decorated with flowers and leaves and in a beautiful swing Amma was sitting bejeweled and finely clothed. Many brothers and sisters were worshiping Her with flowers, sandalwood, grass, leaves and paddy. I was standing at a distance with an yearning that I too should be given a chance to worship Amma like the others; but I had no flowers nor any other ingredients; but in the meantime Amma climbed down from the swing and came to me, placed some flowers in my palms stood before me and said, ‘come on worship to your heart’s content’ ! was so happy that along with flowers I mingled the tears of my happiness and worshiped the Holy Feet of Amma while I was still under the influence of Amma’s grace, my dream or my vision, whatever you may call it, was evaporated with the ringing of the telephone and thus I was brought back to the routine. But this vision persisted for quite some time and made me normal till that picture continued.
I had a peculiar dream overnight. That night I could not sleep for a long time. At last after turning and tossing for quite some time, Goddess of sleep took pity on me and I fell into a deep slumber. The dream was very funny and I could interpret it only that Amma was with me in all my tribulations and suffering. My father, I and a family friend of ours were walking through a dense forest; suddenly a dog and her puppy were chasing us. The puppy caught hold of my saree end and pulled me down. Losing my balance I fell on the puppy; the dog thought that I was harming its puppy. It pounced upon me and slit my back into two pieces; blood was flowing from the wounds. I was shouting ‘Amma. I am coming to you, give me, shelter. Amma stretched Her hands, and uttered the words, (I will take you into me releiving you from the human and animal torture) With a startup; the effect of the dream was terrible. My throat parched and my limbs became lifeless. For a few minutes, I was blank. After that I could not get sleep and was trying to analyze the dream. I came to the conclusion that Amma, through this dream, hadassured me that She is with me through thick and thin and I need not worry about my life hereafter.
-Jayaho Matha –