The first visit to Jillellamudi bestows the Silent Initiation of the Mother. The shorter or longer stay in her presence bestows baptism of tears. These two experiences mark a turning point in one’s life, the beginning of a subtle inner alchemy that goes on within one’s heart indepen- dent of Mother’s physical pro- mixity. For they establish an unbreakable inner link with the universal Self of which Mother’s physical form is a visible mani. festation. Even afterwards, one vaguely feels her presence often as a mere thought in his mind that is ever present as the back- ground of all other thoughts even while he is physically sepa- rated from her by a great dis tance. It is not a passive presence though. It is subtle and subtly powerful. It’s activity like the movement of a swiftly rotating top is hidden beneath the appe arance of stability. sence, like The pre the rotating top, attracts to itself all thoughts, feelings, musings and gives the whole of one’s deeper personality a new orientation and a new inner peace culminating in the shape.
When one comes back after his first visit and his first stay at Jillellamudi, vivid memories of Mother’s form, words and gestures, and memory of the bliss that he experienced in Her presence stick to his mind like burs and do not fall off. Nay, the seeds strike root and grow sending down new ‘routes’ of experience down one’s heart. Only when I knew this could I comprehend what Sri Sai Baba of Shirdi meant when he said “My tomb will speak and move with those who make me their soul refuge”; and “Even after my Mahasamadhi, I shall be with you, the moment you think of me, at any place”. Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi said ‘associ ation with the wise will make the mind Sink into the Heart
Such association is both mental and physical. The extremely visible being (of the Guru) pushes the mind inward. He is in the heart of the seeker and so he draws the latter’s inward-bent mind into the heart”. As time passes; the mental association grows and finally swallows up all other wordly associations. The petty jealousies and vexa- tions of personal and official life are rendered lifeless. One is in the least contact possible with the world mentally and lives as it were in her presence. How sig- nificant this change is can be understood from what Mother said to someone who sadly comp- lained that pressure of circums- tances prevented him from visiting her frequently: ‘It is enough if the mind is here. It matters little where the body is”. On another occasion she said ‘Dhyasa is Dhyana’ (Active reme- mbrance is Dhyar a) and one’s attention fixed on Mother cons- titutes ‘Dhyana’. It is to this involuntary progress of Sadhana without one’s individual effort what Mother refers when she says that “Sadhana is accompli shment of what yields (of itself) to accomplishment (Sadhya)” She defined Jignasa’ (the desire to know) as ‘yearning’ or ‘pining’. The intense longing to see and be with Mother which is hight ened by one’s incapacity to go there constitutes this ‘pining’ or yearning’. This pining is but a manifestation of the intense longing for the perfect peace and bliss which one had enjoyed in her presence.
Bliss and Peace are said to charecterise Liberation or Moksha. Mother said that intense desire for liberation is itself L.betation. She meant that unless one is liberated from the desire for the wordly objects of enjoyment, one does not experi ence real desire for Liberation and once this real desire for Liberation is experienced, one can be sure of attaining Libera tion. Even in the case of the devotee of Mother whose mind is liberated from the objects of wordly enjoyment by his desire to live eternally in the peace and bliss of Mother’s presence, one is already on a sure way to Liberation for this desire for the proximity of Mother makes the mind rise above other desires; it imparts humility to the devotee’s personality without which no one can bow before the Higher force with any since rity; it awakens a keen sense of one’s incompleteness which is essential for the attainment of God’s grace. For Christ dec- lared
‘Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled”.
Mathew – 5
This evergrowing hunger and thirst to be for ever immersed in the blissful peace of Mother’s presence is so irresistable that many of the visitors, shunning the luxuries, comforts and the dignity which they had enjoyed hitherto, prefer to take up any task, undergo any hardship and face any austerity with pleasure just to be able to live at Jille-vival of the ego which chooses llamudi. How imperceptibly but how surely is one led willingly to the heights of renunciation without even knowing it: This is perhaps what she meant when she said states are given not attained’ or when she said-in reply to the common Telugu proverb ‘Even a mother does not give food if she is not asked’ ‘only she is a mother, if she can understand the child’s need and give even if it does not ask’. On anothor occasion she said If you become her children, she will give what you need, herself. understanding your need; but if you learn to ask, she bestows only if she is asked!’ The truth Blessed are they that mourn; of the statement is borne out in practice by the fact that those who never ask anything of Mother-not even spiritual uplift but resign themselves totally to her all protecting Grace, are more benefitted than the self righteous and self-styled ‘Sadhus” who ask for spiritual benefit more for the vanity of asking for it or out of ignorance of Mother’s ever protecting grace! Even in the Sastras, Saranagati’ or total surrender and resignation is said to bestow the highest benefit rather than specific de mands made to god. For the specific demands assist the sur its own demands whereas total surrender assists its dissolution in the self.
That she deliberately and acti vely effects the inner alchemy in us even when we are far from her is evident from the assurance she had once given to a devotee
The Mother is always behind you, protecting.” On another occasion she said ‘You need come here to see you (wherever you are). me: but I can still another occasion she said ‘Mother does not mean the one that is sitting on a cot in Jille llamudi (i. e. her physical body) after all; Mother means the one without the Beginning and the End; the one who is the Begin ning and the End’. Compare what Lord said in “The Bhaga vadgita- I am the Beginning of see all creatures, and I am the End On of all.’
Why is it that Mother protects us thus, by bringing about these inner changes even without one asking her trying to change ourselves? Did not Mother say “The phrase Mother’s protection is not correct; Protection itself is the Mother”?
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“Shal! I go away Mother”
“Why go away? Go and come again.”
“Amma, my sruti (pitch of the voice) is not get ting to be stable.
” “No matter. It is enough if smriti gets stable”
“Why so much saffron on your saree Mother?””
“Am I not always an expectant and a newly dilivered mother?”